With a mind far greater than your fucking fist.

I honestly don't think I've ever been this close.

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 18:59:33 -0500

Seeing everything in full spectrum. Seeing that my life will not amount to anything and being okay with it. Understanding that it’s truly not worth it. All our lives we’re told “stay, it’s worth it” but it’s just fucking not. People say that it’s selfish but it’s rather selfish to keep me here when I do not want to be. When all I want to do is leave. Im okay with leaving but this heart keeps me here. My entire body would go hollow and I would still have this heart of mine. It’s neither good nor bad.

I can't concentrate on anything.

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 08:57:56 -0400

Just the thoughts. All the time. When will things ever go in the right direction?

I’ve always gone trough this. Since as long as I remember, I find myself going after something...

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 23:31:52 -0400

I’ve always gone trough this. Since as long as I remember, I find myself going after something I desire and I just fuck up. I fuck up a lot. I don’t do the right thing or something I didn’t do right haunts me. I lead myself into situations like this one where I’m just scared to absolute death. I’m such a fuck up. I’m a fuck up more than anything else. I go down a bad path, but right when I try to turn around I just fall. I’m just hoping to anything that I don’t go down in this. She doesn’t deserve this. I would hope I don’t deserve this.. I just want to make things better and right but I’ve just fucked up.. I think it’s a big fuck up this time. I hope it’s not more than anything. My heart caved in and I’m shaking.

I’m tired of happiness just starting to come back and then this depression, self-hate, and these thoughts of suicide find their way back in. I feel like I will never stop fucking up.

I'm just sitting.

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 18:03:00 -0400

And I’m waiting, I’m searching, and I’m sinking. Struggling to find the person I can finally feel emotions for again. But I’m slowly getting deeper into this depression phase again. Will I ever really feel anything again? I can’t seem to be taken away by anyone anymore. I’m consistently convincing myself that I have no feelings for anyone and that the absence of feelings is mutual. I just wish I could be proven wrong. I just want to feel again. something other than sadness, or depression, or worthlessness.

Photo

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 22:07:12 -0400

The Polar Express. Again.

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 00:54:51 -0400

The fuck.. Christmas isn’t for 4 more months.

Unlike most, I was not a mistake.

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 00:20:58 -0400

I was intended. I was wanted and they got me. Yet as a human I have gone through life wishing I was just a mistake never made. I don’t want to commit suicide. I’ve thought about it on end, but that’s not what I want from life. I just wish I never existed. I truly wish I just never happened, so I can just not be here, I can just leave and won’t be missed by the ones that have come to care about me. Because I know I could selfishly leave, and cause them a pain that would scar them for the rest of their lives. I care about them as they care about me, and I wouldn’t do that to them. But I wish they just never had a care to develop for me. I feel like a waste of human life. I’m not worthy to be living. I’m a wasted brain and a wasted heart. But since this can never be taken back, as long as I’m a human I want to try to be the best person I can, and amount to as much as I can. Although I feel like a waste, I feel like it’s my job to do something and be someone while I’m here.

Photo

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 13:21:17 -0400

Photo

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 00:47:03 -0400

Bon Iver - Holocene This is just amazing.

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 22:11:36 -0400

Bon Iver - Holocene

This is just amazing.

oceanaband: buds

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 02:05:24 -0400

oceanaband:

buds

This is what I want.

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 19:22:06 -0400

This is what I want.

cletus: Just watch it. I’m dead.

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 02:09:44 -0400

cletus:

Just watch it. I’m dead.

Here's a post where I talk about you.

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 00:30:39 -0400

I don’t know you we’re one of my first girlfriends many years ago. You were my first for a lot of things and I just find myself going back and thinking about my maturity at that time of my life and if anything we went through was really as significant as we made it out to be. We told each other that we loved each other, and we were a pretty damn cute couple. After thinking about it so much, it’s clear we just weren’t really in love, we just told each other what we did because we felt like that’s what we were supposed to do. I mean we both have gone through the years beating ourselves up over things but you’ve never taken a step back and realized “wow this person means nothing of what I’ve made him out to be.” I mean I would like to see us being friends again, but it just never works. There’s always these constant jabs back and forth, pitty resentment towards each other because we have both changed and taken these different paths that just stray too far from each other. I dislike what you’ve become, to the very pit and that is just what’s most bothersome. You used to be the sweetest girl. But right after I broke up with you you started drinking, you became fond of partying, smoking, and just morally deteriorating. I can only wonder how many times you’ve cheated on your current boyfriend. I know I’m no help. But I just miss that girl. That girl that was straight edge, listened to some of the greatest music, and was one of the greatest artist I’ve ever seen, most of all the way we could always go to each other. And I don’t want it to seem like I don’t like you cause you’re not straight edge or something, it’s just the countless times you’ve told me you would stop drinking and smoking but you never have. I just miss the old you so damn much, but I know so much that I’ve contributed to what you are today. I accept that you’ve changed, but I just constantly wish you’d clean up, which you seem to be doing a little bit. Despite all that, I still believe you have the same heart.

I’m never going to forget that day when me and you were laying snuggled in your bed and night was rolling in as I was about to leave. iTunes was on shuffle and Hey There Delilah came on. Neither of us even like that song, but it was really calming and it was just such a relaxing moment. Looking over at you and everything was just a shade of dark blue. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that, I mean it’s been 4 years and I still think about that time to time. Wondering, if we had came into each others lives just a little bit later, maybe we could have been something more to each other.

yeah.

Photo

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 23:52:28 -0400

she's beautiful and she doesn't even know I exist.

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 23:07:26 -0400

Photo

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 22:41:31 -0400

Photo

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 22:29:05 -0400

cletus: Pat Flynn

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 20:12:38 -0400

cletus:

Pat Flynn

alreadyhazy: Blindside @ Cornerstone 2011.

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 19:29:27 -0400

alreadyhazy:

Blindside @ Cornerstone 2011.