Seeing everything in full spectrum. Seeing that my life will not amount to anything and being okay with it. Understanding that it’s truly not worth it. All our lives we’re told “stay, it’s worth it” but it’s just fucking not. People say that it’s selfish but it’s rather selfish to keep me here when I do not want to be. When all I want to do is leave. Im okay with leaving but this heart keeps me here. My entire body would go hollow and I would still have this heart of mine. It’s neither good nor bad.

Just the thoughts. All the time. When will things ever go in the right direction?

I’ve always gone trough this. Since as long as I remember, I find myself going after something I desire and I just fuck up. I fuck up a lot. I don’t do the right thing or something I didn’t do right haunts me. I lead myself into situations like this one where I’m just scared to absolute death. I’m such a fuck up. I’m a fuck up more than anything else. I go down a bad path, but right when I try to turn around I just fall. I’m just hoping to anything that I don’t go down in this. She doesn’t deserve this. I would hope I don’t deserve this.. I just want to make things better and right but I’ve just fucked up.. I think it’s a big fuck up this time. I hope it’s not more than anything. My heart caved in and I’m shaking. 

I’m tired of happiness just starting to come back and then this depression, self-hate, and these thoughts of suicide find their way back in. I feel like I will never stop fucking up.

And I’m waiting, I’m searching, and I’m sinking. Struggling to find the person I can finally feel emotions for again. But I’m slowly getting deeper into this depression phase again. Will I ever really feel anything again? I can’t seem to be taken away by anyone anymore. I’m consistently convincing myself that I have no feelings for anyone and that the absence of feelings is mutual. I just wish I could be proven wrong. I just want to feel again. something other than sadness, or depression, or worthlessness. 

The fuck.. Christmas isn’t for 4 more months.

I was intended. I was wanted and they got me. Yet as a human I have gone through life wishing I was just a mistake never made. I don’t want to commit suicide. I’ve thought about it on end, but that’s not what I want from life. I just wish I never existed. I truly wish I just never happened, so I can just not be here, I can just leave and won’t be missed by the ones that have come to care about me. Because I know I could selfishly leave, and cause them a pain that would scar them for the rest of their lives. I care about them as they care about me, and I wouldn’t do that to them. But I wish they just never had a care to develop for me. I feel like a waste of human life. I’m not worthy to be living. I’m a wasted brain and a wasted heart. But since this can never be taken back, as long as I’m a human I want to try to be the best person I can, and amount to as much as I can. Although I feel like a waste, I feel like it’s my job to do something and be someone while I’m here.